7 Weeks Post-Chemo

I am so grateful and amazed at how I am feeling right now.  I have very little to complain about--and I am not just saying that to feign a positive attitude or to be gracious.  I am really able to do all that needs to be done and for that I am so thankful.  At three weeks after my last chemo treatment, my white blood counts were at  1.9.  When I went in last week, they were up to 3.7 (normal is between 4 and 10).  It was so great to be able to clean my bathrooms myself--never thought I would be grateful to be able to clean toilets-but I am.  I went to the whole block of church last week and shed some tears over that little milestone.

My hair started showing signs of regrowth about a week and a half ago.  I have some fuzz/stubble growth now--my kids get so excited.  I asked Chad the other day "Are you jealous?"  He looked puzzled and asked "Why?"  I replied "Because my hair is growing back!"  

The Herceptin treatments that I get every 3 weeks affect me the day of (they make me a little nauseous and tired) but the next day I feel fine.  There is one other younger woman that I see getting infusions and I had the chance to sit by her Wednesday and talk to her.  I was excited to talk to someone who was obviously further down the path than I (she had hair) and someone who was at a similar stage in life.  She is a mother of 4 girls and is a couple years older than me.  In talking to her, I found out that she had completed the chemo treatment and one year of Herceptin, only to have the cancer come back 6 months later in the lymph nodes of her neck.  She said it was the lowest point of her life and that the doctor had to talk her into doing chemo again.  She did the chemo and now is getting a weekly dose of Herceptin (indefinitely) to stop the cancer from growing.  She probably could read the look of concern on my face and quickly added, "But there is so much hope for you!  You caught it at a stage 1.  I was at stage 3B."  I am sure my face said it all--sadness for her mixed with fear for my situation.   She said the Herceptin seems to be doing the job for now, but worries about it losing its effectiveness in the future.    It was yet another reminder that we have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but that all we can do is trust that God loves us and knows what's best for us--and it is He who is granting us our every breath.

We went on one family vacation this summer in our trailer to visit my sister, and we decided to take another one to celebrate the completion of the chemotherapy.  We initially wanted to go to Lake Powell but I wasn't quite up for camping on the beach, so we decided to go to Bear Lake.  We took the kids out of school and went up for the weekend.  Our kind neighbors let us stay in their lovely cabin, free of charge.  It was so generous of them and we are grateful to them.  The lake was so beautiful and we had a great time---Eden even learned to water ski!    

I remember back in April, looking forward to General Conference, because I knew that I would need the strength and help that comes from listening to a living prophet and apostles for the immediate road ahead.  I was to begin chemotherapy in a couple of weeks after conference.  Following conference I thought " I cannot wait until October conference!"  In addition to spiritual enlightenment, October General Conference symbolized the time when I would be through with the treatments.  The long awaited October General Conference is almost here!  As I look back at the last six months, I am eternally grateful for the many "green lights" we hit along this road.  My family and I have felt the love and support of many prayers and acts of service.  We have felt and experienced the love that Heavenly Father has for his children and have felt the Savior's love and His strengthening and enabling power!

Empty

It has been just over 6 months since we received the phone call from radiologist that launched us on this whirlwind path we have been on since March.  As I contemplated some of the events of the past 6 months, I recall an incident that happened the day of my biopsy.  My mom had watched Emerie and Chad had taken the morning off work so he could be with me for the biopsy.   The radiologist's report had said that she had a "low suspicion of malignancy" which provided Chad and I with some comfort.

They told us the results would be back in 2-3 days.  It was lunch time, so we stopped to get some Chinese food to take home so we could have lunch with my mom.  After lunch, we opened our fortune cookies.  I can't remember what my mom's or Chad's said, but I opened my cookie and it made my stomach drop.  It was EMPTY. No paper. No Nothing.  It symbolized everything I was feeling at that moment.  Uncertainty for the future and quite honestly some fear and despair.  It felt like a cruel joke.  Under different circumstances I would have thought nothing of an empty fortune cookie; but, under these circumstances it brought to the forefront all my fears and worries for my future and for my family's future.

For some reason, during sacrament meeting a few Sundays ago, my thoughts went back to that moment when I opened the EMPTY fortune cookie and the feelings I experienced at that time.  My mind then reflected on an event in the Savior's life that is recorded in the scriptures.  The Savior had been crucified and his body was lain in a borrowed tomb.  In Luke Chapter 24 we learn that Mary Magdalene, and Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and other women  had gone early Sunday morning to the tomb of the Savior.  When they came, they found the stone rolled away and verse three says "they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus"---thus they found the EMPTY tomb.

President Hinckley describes the things leading up to this event well in a talk entitled "He is Not Here, But Is Risen":

"He (the Savior) was betrayed, arrested, condemned to death, to die in awful agony by crucifixion. His living body was nailed to a cross of wood. In unspeakable pain, His life slowly ebbed away. While yet He breathed, He cried out, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

The earth shook as His spirit passed. The centurion who had seen it all declared in solemnity, “Truly this was the Son of God” (Matt. 27:54).

Those who loved Him took His body from the cross. They dressed it and placed it in a new tomb offered by Joseph of Arimathaea. The tomb was sealed with a great stone at its opening, and a guard was set.

His friends must have wept. The Apostles He loved and whom He had called as witnesses of His divinity wept. The women who loved Him wept. None had understood what He had said about rising the third day. How could they understand? This had never happened before. It was totally unprecedented. It was unbelievable, even for them.

There must have been a terrible sense of dejection and hopelessness and misery as they thought of their Lord taken from them in death.

But that was not the end. On the morning of the third day, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary returned to the tomb. To their utter amazement, the stone was rolled away and the tomb was open. They peered inside. Two beings in white sat at either end of the burial site. An angel appeared to them and said, “Why seek ye the living among the dead?

“He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,

“Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again” (Luke 24:5–7).

These simple words—“He is not here, but is risen”—have become the most profound in all literature. They are the declaration of the empty tomb. They are the fulfillment of all He had spoken concerning rising again. They are the triumphant response to the query facing every man, woman, and child who was ever born to earth. " (May Ensign, 1999)

President Hinckley called the declaration of the empty tomb the most profound in all literature.  He spoke of the hopelessness that must have been initially felt upon finding the tomb empty--but how that hopelessness was transformed in to HOPE as the realization that an EMPTY tomb meant that Savior had indeed overcome death and sin and the world.  

Our hope is in a loving Heavenly Father who created a plan to help us return to Him, and in our Savior who made it possible for us to do so.

President Thomas S. Monson has said: “I testify to you that our promised blessings are beyond measure. Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments.”

President Monson continued: “My beloved brothers and sisters, fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.”¹⁹

So now the EMPTY fortune cookie no longer symbolizes fear and uncertainty--but it symbolizes to me HOPE in a bright future, for all God's children, because of the Savior who overcame the world through His atoning sacrifice and resurrection.