I'll Follow Him in Faith

My sister in law told me a story about a time when her mother was boating down in Lake Powell.  She explained how a storm came up and the boat that her mother was in began to take on water as the huge waves splashed into the boat.  They worked frantically to bail water out of the boat.  Her mother credits her survival (as well as the others on the boat) to a larger boat who came to their rescue.  The people in the larger boat invited those in the smaller boat, to follow them, in the safety of the wake, and they would lead the smaller boat safely to shore. 

The gospel parallels of that story have been profound to me.  We are like the small boat that, despite our best efforts, becomes overwhelmed by the storms and waves that surround us.  Without the Savior and on our own, we are like the saying goes, "up a creek without a paddle."  The Savior is patiently inviting us to follow in the safety and peace of His "wake".  In the scriptures He invites all people to "come unto me" and "come follow me."


2 Nephi 31:12

12 And also, the voice of the Son came unto me, saying: He that is baptized in my name, to him will the Father give the Holy Ghost, like unto me; wherefore, follow me, and do the things which ye have seen me do.

So how do we follow Him and stay in His wake?  We need to be willing to keep the commandments and to make and keep our covenants.

1 Nephi 17:13

13 And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led.

I love this image of the Savior, being a light in the wilderness, preparing the way before us as we journey in this life.  I imagine being able to see Him, as the Captain of the boat, successfully navigating through the storm and difficult waters to the blissful shore.  Faith is knowing who is at the helm and trusting enough to follow in His wake---no matter the winds, the waves, or the cost!  

In the hymn "How Great the Wisdom and the Love", the 4th verse reads:

4. He marked the path and led the way,

And ev'ry point defines

To light and life and endless day

Where God's full presence shines.

"We acknowledge that your path will at times be difficult. But I give you this promise in the name of the Lord: rise up and follow in the footsteps of our Redeemer and Savior, and one day you will look back and be filled with eternal gratitude that you chose to trust the Atonement and its power to lift you up and give you strength."

"You Can Do It Now! " BY PRESIDENT DIETER F. UCHTDORF

The words in the song "I'll Follow Him in Faith" by Janice Kapp Perry, reflect the feelings in my heart:

1. The Lord has blessed me with gospel truth.

I have learned His ways in my early youth. 

I will share my light for I know it’s right

To testify of Him.

The Lord has blessed me with simple faith.

If I pray for help, He will give me strength.

I will do His work.  I will gladly serve.

I’ll follow Him in faith.

2. The Lord has blessed me to feel His love.

I have felt His promptings and learned to trust.

So in all I do, I’ll be faithful to

The things I know are true. 

The Lord has blessed me in many ways.

With a thankful heart I will sing His praise.

I will raise my voice and proclaim my choice

To follow Him in faith.

He has shown the way, and through all my days,

I’ll follow Him in faith.

7 Weeks Post-Chemo

I am so grateful and amazed at how I am feeling right now.  I have very little to complain about--and I am not just saying that to feign a positive attitude or to be gracious.  I am really able to do all that needs to be done and for that I am so thankful.  At three weeks after my last chemo treatment, my white blood counts were at  1.9.  When I went in last week, they were up to 3.7 (normal is between 4 and 10).  It was so great to be able to clean my bathrooms myself--never thought I would be grateful to be able to clean toilets-but I am.  I went to the whole block of church last week and shed some tears over that little milestone.

My hair started showing signs of regrowth about a week and a half ago.  I have some fuzz/stubble growth now--my kids get so excited.  I asked Chad the other day "Are you jealous?"  He looked puzzled and asked "Why?"  I replied "Because my hair is growing back!"  

The Herceptin treatments that I get every 3 weeks affect me the day of (they make me a little nauseous and tired) but the next day I feel fine.  There is one other younger woman that I see getting infusions and I had the chance to sit by her Wednesday and talk to her.  I was excited to talk to someone who was obviously further down the path than I (she had hair) and someone who was at a similar stage in life.  She is a mother of 4 girls and is a couple years older than me.  In talking to her, I found out that she had completed the chemo treatment and one year of Herceptin, only to have the cancer come back 6 months later in the lymph nodes of her neck.  She said it was the lowest point of her life and that the doctor had to talk her into doing chemo again.  She did the chemo and now is getting a weekly dose of Herceptin (indefinitely) to stop the cancer from growing.  She probably could read the look of concern on my face and quickly added, "But there is so much hope for you!  You caught it at a stage 1.  I was at stage 3B."  I am sure my face said it all--sadness for her mixed with fear for my situation.   She said the Herceptin seems to be doing the job for now, but worries about it losing its effectiveness in the future.    It was yet another reminder that we have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but that all we can do is trust that God loves us and knows what's best for us--and it is He who is granting us our every breath.

We went on one family vacation this summer in our trailer to visit my sister, and we decided to take another one to celebrate the completion of the chemotherapy.  We initially wanted to go to Lake Powell but I wasn't quite up for camping on the beach, so we decided to go to Bear Lake.  We took the kids out of school and went up for the weekend.  Our kind neighbors let us stay in their lovely cabin, free of charge.  It was so generous of them and we are grateful to them.  The lake was so beautiful and we had a great time---Eden even learned to water ski!    

I remember back in April, looking forward to General Conference, because I knew that I would need the strength and help that comes from listening to a living prophet and apostles for the immediate road ahead.  I was to begin chemotherapy in a couple of weeks after conference.  Following conference I thought " I cannot wait until October conference!"  In addition to spiritual enlightenment, October General Conference symbolized the time when I would be through with the treatments.  The long awaited October General Conference is almost here!  As I look back at the last six months, I am eternally grateful for the many "green lights" we hit along this road.  My family and I have felt the love and support of many prayers and acts of service.  We have felt and experienced the love that Heavenly Father has for his children and have felt the Savior's love and His strengthening and enabling power!

Empty

It has been just over 6 months since we received the phone call from radiologist that launched us on this whirlwind path we have been on since March.  As I contemplated some of the events of the past 6 months, I recall an incident that happened the day of my biopsy.  My mom had watched Emerie and Chad had taken the morning off work so he could be with me for the biopsy.   The radiologist's report had said that she had a "low suspicion of malignancy" which provided Chad and I with some comfort.

They told us the results would be back in 2-3 days.  It was lunch time, so we stopped to get some Chinese food to take home so we could have lunch with my mom.  After lunch, we opened our fortune cookies.  I can't remember what my mom's or Chad's said, but I opened my cookie and it made my stomach drop.  It was EMPTY. No paper. No Nothing.  It symbolized everything I was feeling at that moment.  Uncertainty for the future and quite honestly some fear and despair.  It felt like a cruel joke.  Under different circumstances I would have thought nothing of an empty fortune cookie; but, under these circumstances it brought to the forefront all my fears and worries for my future and for my family's future.

For some reason, during sacrament meeting a few Sundays ago, my thoughts went back to that moment when I opened the EMPTY fortune cookie and the feelings I experienced at that time.  My mind then reflected on an event in the Savior's life that is recorded in the scriptures.  The Savior had been crucified and his body was lain in a borrowed tomb.  In Luke Chapter 24 we learn that Mary Magdalene, and Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and other women  had gone early Sunday morning to the tomb of the Savior.  When they came, they found the stone rolled away and verse three says "they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus"---thus they found the EMPTY tomb.

President Hinckley describes the things leading up to this event well in a talk entitled "He is Not Here, But Is Risen":

"He (the Savior) was betrayed, arrested, condemned to death, to die in awful agony by crucifixion. His living body was nailed to a cross of wood. In unspeakable pain, His life slowly ebbed away. While yet He breathed, He cried out, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

The earth shook as His spirit passed. The centurion who had seen it all declared in solemnity, “Truly this was the Son of God” (Matt. 27:54).

Those who loved Him took His body from the cross. They dressed it and placed it in a new tomb offered by Joseph of Arimathaea. The tomb was sealed with a great stone at its opening, and a guard was set.

His friends must have wept. The Apostles He loved and whom He had called as witnesses of His divinity wept. The women who loved Him wept. None had understood what He had said about rising the third day. How could they understand? This had never happened before. It was totally unprecedented. It was unbelievable, even for them.

There must have been a terrible sense of dejection and hopelessness and misery as they thought of their Lord taken from them in death.

But that was not the end. On the morning of the third day, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary returned to the tomb. To their utter amazement, the stone was rolled away and the tomb was open. They peered inside. Two beings in white sat at either end of the burial site. An angel appeared to them and said, “Why seek ye the living among the dead?

“He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,

“Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again” (Luke 24:5–7).

These simple words—“He is not here, but is risen”—have become the most profound in all literature. They are the declaration of the empty tomb. They are the fulfillment of all He had spoken concerning rising again. They are the triumphant response to the query facing every man, woman, and child who was ever born to earth. " (May Ensign, 1999)

President Hinckley called the declaration of the empty tomb the most profound in all literature.  He spoke of the hopelessness that must have been initially felt upon finding the tomb empty--but how that hopelessness was transformed in to HOPE as the realization that an EMPTY tomb meant that Savior had indeed overcome death and sin and the world.  

Our hope is in a loving Heavenly Father who created a plan to help us return to Him, and in our Savior who made it possible for us to do so.

President Thomas S. Monson has said: “I testify to you that our promised blessings are beyond measure. Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments.”

President Monson continued: “My beloved brothers and sisters, fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.”¹⁹

So now the EMPTY fortune cookie no longer symbolizes fear and uncertainty--but it symbolizes to me HOPE in a bright future, for all God's children, because of the Savior who overcame the world through His atoning sacrifice and resurrection.  

Now What?

Yesterday was the first Wednesday in almost 5 months that I didn't have a dr. appointment.  My 6th and final chemotherapy treatment is over.  At my appointment last week, we found out that I will be able to get my Herceptin treatment every 3 weeks instead of weekly like we initially thought.  The dose will be tripled so it will be interesting to see how that goes.  Coming up, I will get an echocardiogram to check my heart following the chemo and herceptin treatments.  I will see the doctor again in 3 months and it sounds like they will be doing some blood work then.  For the next couple years, I will be going in every three months.  The Dr. said that they will be paying close attention to my lungs, bones, and liver since that is typically where breast cancer spreads.  I have heard from many that 5 years is a big milestone statistically with breast cancer as far as recurrence goes.

My kids want to celebrate the completion of this final treatment.  I would like to wait until I feel better than I do currently.  My white blood cell count was pretty low at my appointment and the red cells went down with each treatment.  I am excited to see those counts go up instead of steadily down!

We truly could not have made it through these past months without the help of family and friends.  It has been truly amazing to me that we have been so taken care of....  I appreciate the support our family has received.  Somehow, in a way I can't explain, the help we have needed has come exactly when we have needed it.

Some instances that stand out in my mind are:

*Chad's parents and siblings (without consulting my chemo schedule) scheduled 3 vacations that coincided with the worst days after my chemo treatments.  My boys were able to tag along with them on each of those vacations.   The girls were taken care of as well--they stayed with my parents.  Chad and all 4 kids went on a trip with Chad's family after my 6th  treatment.  I was able to rest during the day and my parents came and stayed with me at night and checked on me.  It was so nice to not have to worry about the coordination of the care of the kids on those days when I felt the worst.

*My siblings and parents had the kids stay with them on many occasions as well.  My sister came down  multiple times from Wyoming and took care of my girls for days at a time (even though she has 3 young ones of her own--including a newborn!)

*With our families taking a lion's share of the load--it was amazing how others were inspired as they "filled in the gaps".
                 --I want to record as many of these experiences as I can so that we can remember how people were instruments in God's hand to help lighten our burdens during this time:

--One Sunday night (4 days out from treatment) I was looking at my calendar and feeling anxious about the upcoming week--because I knew I would be sick and tired but had no plans at the time for any of the kids.  That night, I got a text my my sister in law, Ashley "Can I help you out this week?"  She ended up taking the girls all day on Tuesday--they had a great time painting nails, going to the splash pad, and they went boating in the evening.  My cousin Melissa ended up calling and invited my boys to come and play at her house all day Tuesday.  Chad's cousin Sherrie, also called and invited my boys to come to her house all day.  Bennett went to Melissa's and had so much fun playing with her kids.  Carson went to Sherrie's and spent the day with her boy (who is Carson's age) and enjoyed going on fun outing with him.  The thing that stood out to me on this particular day is that Ashley, Melissa, and Sherrie ended up picking up the kids in the morning at the same time---so I felt like this army of angels came in, swooped my children up, and carried them away on a cloud.  Not only did the kids leave on a cloud, but they came home on a cloud--cloud 9 that is--each of them having had so much fun and feeling so loved, so taken care of.   (Sherrie came bearing fruits and veggies that she had cut up and prepared as well as some homemade smoothies--it was so nice of her!)

--One Monday, the day started out okay, but in the afternoon I could tell that things were going south and I really needed to take a nap.  My visiting teacher texted to see if my girls could come play with her granddaughter whom she was watching for the afternoon.   They went and had such a fun time playing.  My dad stopped by and took the boys with him to the farm to do some working and playing.  They were so excited.  And by dang--I got a nap!  A true blue, sound asleep, drool on my pillow--nap!

--Thursday had been a day of continuous screen time--video games, cartoons, and computer!  I was fine with it--we were in survival mode.  However, I knew if we didn't have a change of scenery--or perhaps I should call it "screenery"-- we would all go mad by the time Chad came home Friday night.  Friday morning I prayed for Heavenly Father to help me find something to do with my kids that day that they would enjoy.  At about 9:30 a.m.,  I got a call from our friends and neighbors saying they were going to the lake for the day and were wondering if my boys would join them!  Carson and Bennett were ecstatic!   I was so grateful they had responded to a prompting to help us that day.  This family has two older boys, 8th and 10th grade, who are so kind to my boys.  They are great role models for them and I hope Carson and Bennett will always remember the kindness that they have shown them.  They came home so happy and tired.  Bennett learned to slalom ski and so he was extra excited!  With the boys gone,  the girls and I enjoyed an afternoon of sprinklers and filling and tossing water balloons.  Things had fallen into place and my prayer had been answered.

--Another time, I had things all set up with my sister to have a couple of the kids spend the night and next day at her house.  Chad's cousin, Sherrie had then called and offered to take the kids on that day.  All the kids--I had told myself  I would not dump 4 kids on any one soul, but Sherrie insisted saying she would have her husband's help.  That is one brave and kind woman.  I told my sister that I had another offer for help, and could she help the next week instead?  She was fine with that.  My sister's kids ended up getting sick during the time she would have had my kids.  Not just a little sick---vomiting, delirious, in the hospital, receiving IV fluids sick.  We were definitely being watched over!

--My doctor told me to stay out of public swimming pools this summer (because of weakened immunity).  My kids love to swim! (Who doesn't?)  I was worried that they wouldn't get the chance to go swimming this summer.  Our friend's mom has an in ground swimming pool and they were so kind to invite us to come swimming with their families.  I had the chance to sit in the shade and relax and chat with friends while I watched my kids swim and enjoy themselves in the water.  My aunt Shanna invited me and the kids out to swim in her above ground pool.  They had so much fun playing and I enjoyed laughing with my cousins--it was very therapeutic!  My aunt Julie was so kind to extend the invitation for use of her pool which always includes fun for the kids, relaxation, and conversation for me!   These invitations have been extended in such a timely way--coming just at the time when I was ready and able and needing to get out of the house.


This is probably when it is nice to have a private blog, because I hesitate to name specifics involving people or events because I don't want to leave out anyone who has helped us out.  The incidents that have contributed to this overwhelming feeling of being "watched over" are too many to name--yet I never want our family to forget them.   So many have offered or expressed desire to help--even if I haven't been able to take them up on the offers--it has contributed to this feeling.

Some have said, "I want to call or text you (or whatever) but I don't want to overwhelm or bug you."  I will tell people "If my name, or my family's name, comes to mind--please act on it.  It may be just the thing we need."

That is what I am going to strive to do.  When I think of someone, I am going to act in some way to contact that person.  I have seen others do this for us and know that they have been the means by which many prayers have been answered.

As I look back, I can see the Lord's hand in all of this... The words of the hymn How Firm a Foundation come to mind "As thy days may demand....so thy succor shall be."

Smiles and Strength

Today I am all smiles.  I have completed 5 rounds of chemotherapy and have 1 more to go!  I feel so grateful that the 5th round went better than the last one.  I have definitely felt strength beyond my own.  Today I feel great--I went to church and felt the Spirit so strong.

I have been thinking of a blog entry from a friend of mine.  She wrote about motherhood and commented that being a happy mom when her kids were being obedient, kind, etc. was so easy---"even a monkey could do it!" The challenge comes when the situation is not ideal--not what we had hoped for or wanted.  It is easy for me to smile when I feel good and things are going well. Congratulations. A monkey can do that!:)

The true test of our character comes when things are not going well--we don't feel well, the kids are disobedient/tired/whiny, trials come along etc.  My Grandma Buhrley is a great example of smiles and strength in difficult situations.  My Grandma Buhrley was born in Cherry Creek Idaho and grew up on a farm.  It was a lot of hard work and she decided after high school that she wanted to try city life....she moved to Salt Lake City.  There she met and married my Grandpa.  She supported him in his dream to be a farmer--even though she admitted herself that she had been hoping to escape farm life by moving to the city.  It is interesting to hear my dad and his siblings talk about their "vacations" to go into town to see the dentist.  "You see" my dad told us "cows don't take a vacation and need to be milked each morning and night." So, they would occasionally do day trips.  After dairy farming for years, they sold the cows and the machinery and eagerly anticipated an opportunity to serve a mission.  After a few short months of serving in Germany, they returned home due to problems with my grandpa's health.  Quoting my uncle Roger from my grandpa's funeral a few years back "He (my grandpa) became ill with depression while serving in Germany.  His family and close friends were baffled by this turn of events.  He had lived 69 years as one of the most positive, outgoing, cheerful individuals on the planet.  We were soon to learn the the affliction of depression is no respecter of persons, that it is a chemical imbalance and not a condition of self-induced despair.  He lived the last 19 years of his life battling lethargy and the feelings of inadequacy that the illness of depression brings."  Battling this condition along with him was my angel Grandma.  She didn't complain and rarely left his side during those nineteen years--it seems to me she left only for funerals and weddings.  She was his caregiver day in and day out and endured this challenge so well--with her sense of humor and optimism still in tact.  I think of her often, especially on days when I don't feel well and the tears are many and the smiles are few.  She has since passed away as well and I draw much strength from her great example.

I also admire how my Grandma Rasmussen took care of her husband and my grandpa her whole life--but especially the last couple years as his health declined.  She was patient and kind and loving despite less than ideal conditions.  She never ceased to be a devoted wife and friend to him and cared for him with great compassion.  She too has shown great strength in difficult circumstances.

This poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox makes me think of my angel grandmothers and others that I have watched endure adversity with hope and optimism:

It is easy enough to be pleasant,

When life flows by like a song,

But the man worth while is one who will smile,

When everything goes dead wrong.

For the test of the heart is trouble,

And it always comes with the years,

And the smile that is worth the praises of earth

Is the smile that shines through tears.

4th Round

Interesting that the series of chemo treatments are called "rounds" because after each round I feel like my body has been through a boxing match.  Each round has come with discomfort, fatigue, sickness, and tears, but this 4th round seemed to deliver some knockout punches that have left me down for the count for a while.

New to this round were muscle aches and soreness like I have never experienced--it was unsettling to realize that I had done nothing physical to warrant such feeling, yet my body was producing lactic acid in response to either the chemo or the Neulasta shot.  My hands were red and splotchy and looked like they had been burned (only from the inside out).  I have felt this burning sensation in my whole digestive tract and even heart burn which I have never had before.  Usually by the time I go in a week later (after the chemo) and the nurses ask me how I feel I can honestly say "okay."  This time when I went in the following week for the Herceptin, the nurse asked me how I was feeling and I just started to cry.  I showed her my hands and complained about the heart burn and she said "Can I give you a hug?"           It was quite embarrassing--in all of my weekly trips to the doctor I have NEVER seen anyone cry while getting chemo.  My favorite nurse noticed I was crying and came over to talk to me...she was very attentive and offered to get some prescriptions from the doctor that might help.  I then asked her "Do people ever recover from this?"  She said "Yes, but it takes some time."

That is what I am doing right now--trying to recover and get geared up for the next round.  It feels as if I am in the ring with my hands tied behind my back and unable to defend myself from the blows of the chemo...some of which I would argue are "low blows."  I hope and pray that if there are any cancer cells in me, the chemo will find its way to them and score a big KO.  One thing I know for sure is that I couldn't do this without all the people in my corner helping me in this fight.

I have heard it said that we should look for the "wows" amid life's "ows" (or painful times).  Some of the wows I have seen this past couple weeks:

--My parents and siblings and their families had planned a campout to celebrate the 4th of July and my mom's birthday.  Since it was planned for over a week after chemo we thought our little family would be able to go.  The night before, I was still not feeling well at all and our hopes of being able to go started to fade.  Upon receiving a priesthood blessing, I felt well enough to go and was able to enjoy a wonderful weekend with my family.

--My children have impressed me with their ability to step up their game!  They are getting much better at helping out around the house.  Eden is so thoughtful and is always drawing me pictures and writing notes.   Emerie has seen my dad give me foot rubs and loves to help me by giving me a foot rub.  Bennett has made a conscious effort to do things the first time he is asked--his work ethic is really improving.  Carson continues to be the hard worker he has always been--and he does it without complaint.

--My birthday was in June and I felt well enough to go on a bike ride with Chad and the kids and we had a camp out in our backyard.

--An inspired visiting teacher gave me a book called Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson.  I could really relate to this mother of 4 who experienced significant challenges as she struggled to recover from a crash that burned 80% of her body.  Her faith and her ability to do hard things was inspiring to me.

This video explains her amazing story!

Our neighbor has a daughter in law who had breast cancer--she gave me these awesome boxing gloves!!!

Father's Day

My dad recently celebrated his 60th birthday...We put together a book for him with 60 reasons why we love him.  Each of his 5 children shared the same sentiment as we each wrote about my dad---we came to understand the eternal, unconditional, unselfish love of our Heavenly Father, through the wonderful example of our earthly father.  When I learned in primary and at home that I was literally a child of God and that He loved me--I could understand that because of the love I felt from my earthly father.  I knew that if a mere mortal could love me in such a way, than a perfect Father in Heaven had the capacity to love me and all His children and lead us back home to Him.

My dad always came to any activity I was involved in.  From the time I was young and through jr. high and high school he came and supported all my games.  And when I say all..I mean all.  I really don't remember a time when he wasn't there in the stands cheering me on.  After a particularly good play, I would always glance at him and he would give me a little nod and a thumbs up sign--ever so discretely-- which meant "way to go", "I am proud of you", "I love you."  Also, after particularly bad plays he would do the same sign which meant to me "you can do it--don't worry about it--shake it off!"  I knew he loved me no matter the outcome and he celebrated with me during the victories and comforted after the losses.  I imagine our loving Father in Heaven doing much the same things as we experience victories and losses--sometimes demoralizing and embarrassing losses--during this earth life.

I remember an experience I had at a local swimming pool when I was a youngster.  I had been learning to swim and my dad encouraged me to jump off the diving board.  I began baby steppin' out to "my edge"  which was only as far as the cold, silver hand rails extended.   As long as I was holding on to those, I felt safe, but I wouldn't venture out to the actual edge.   I remember him treading water and encouraging me to jump to him.  I didn't move and continued gripping the rail and looking into the deep water and shaking my head "no."  We've all witnessed this scene before-- all the while the line behind me is growing and people are looking at me.  I remember my dad's continued and kind, patient, encouragement continuing to tell "You can do it!" "I will help you!"  Sad to say, that as a parent I would probably have resorted to things like "look at all those kids lining up behind you--you're holding up the line-just go!" or "if you go you can get an ice-cream cone!"  But he just patiently and lovingly invited me to try.  I will never forget the look on his face or the words that he said next as I continued to  cling to those bars despite his best efforts.  He said "Jennifer--don't you trust me?  I would never ask you to do something that would harm you!"  I took my eyes off the deep waters and focused my eyes on my dad's face---and the fear left me.  I knew that even if I wasn't able to swim the short distance to the side of the pool--he could.  And he would help me if my own strength began to falter and that he would NEVER let me drown.  I let go and jumped in and swam over to the side with my dad by my side the whole way.  He then showered me with compliments and a hug leaving me with a sense of accomplishment and the courage to do it again.  This experience reminds me of this scripture:

2 Nephi 4:34

• Book of Mormon
O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm

I imagine the silver, cold, railings on the diving board as the arm of flesh.  Sometimes I cling to that because it feels concrete and safe at the time--but I contrast trusting in those cold and lifeless railings to trusting in a warm, living, loving Father who invites us to do things that pull us out of our comfort zone and closer to Him--promising (and He is completely trustworthy and ALWAYS keeps His promises) all along that He will be with us and help us and never asks us to do anything that would harm us or  anything that is more than we can handle.  I also need to remember that even if what is asked is beyond my ability it is not beyond His. When our focus is on Him and His Son Jesus Christ, it is easy and natural to trust in them--but that means taking our focus off the deep water!

I LOVE this Mormon Message--it makes me weep as I think of my earthly father, the father of my children, and my Heavenly Father and their roles in my life!!!

(P.S. I was given an IV containing Benadryl prior to writing this post--if there are grammatical or typing errors I will blame it on the fact that my eyes were crossing as I fought off the urge to sleep!)

Gratitude

I am currently in a recovery period from my last treatment, and I feel a need to express gratitude for the many blessings in my life.  I was reading a book the other day when I came across this quote from Cicero, one of the greatest philosophers from ancient Rome "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others."  I started thinking about gratitude being the parent of all other virtues and how it truly is a key to our happiness.  Without gratitude we feel bitterness, resentment, selfishness, discontent, and entitlement.  With gratitude for God and His blessings we feel appreciation,  thankfulness, humility, and best of all, love.  It is my goal to cultivate more an attitude of gratitude and to help my children do the same.  This is ironic that I want to help my children do this because they teach me a lot about gratitude.  One night, Chad and I were having a conversation about our current trial of dealing with breast cancer, and it must not have been a positive one.  I don't remember what we were talking about, but I do remember what Bennett, our 9 year old said.  He interjected into the conversation and said emphatically, "Mom, Dad--look at the good!  We have good health insurance.  The (lymph) nodes were clear.  We caught it at stage 1.  We have good family and friends who are helping us--we've got to build on that!"  I was grateful for his innocent expression of gratitude and hope as it helped us snap out of a downward spiral.

I like this picture at the right.  When I first looked at it, I just noticed the black flowers.  It is easy to focus on the black flowers or the things that are not right in our world and fail to notice the other beautiful flowers, the mountains, and the beautiful sky in the background.













I have much to be grateful for and I will just name a few from this past week!

*A wonderful husband who truly treats me like a queen and is considerate of me and loves me despite my many weaknesses

*4 fabulous children that make me laugh every day

 ---Emerie:  "Mom can we play Toy Story?  I will be Jessie and you can be.....Mr. Potato Head!" To which she quickly added "Because you are balden."   (she says balden instead of bald)

---Eden had lost one of her two front teeth a couple weeks ago.  The other front tooth was just dangling in her mouth for days and she wouldn't let us try to pull it.  Last week she had a dance recital and the tooth was still hanging in there.  She came home from the dance recital and told me that she had asked a younger girl (that she didn't even know) about something concerning the dance recital.  The girl was at about eye level with Eden's mouth.   Eden said that instead of answering her question the girl look at her mouth, mesmerized by her tooth, and with wide, staring eyes said, "WHOA....your tooth!"

--Carson teasingly accused Bennett of having a crush on this 60 something woman that we know.  Bennett was bothered at Carson's teasing and said "Carson!!! By the time I am 20 she will probably be dead!"  Without skipping a beat Carson turned to me and said, "See?  He's thought this thing through."

*Apple TV and Studio C--apple tv allows us to view things from our I pad on our TV.  With our BYUtv app we can watch some of our favorite shows whenever we want.  A new tradition is to pile into my bed and watch Studio C at nights when we can.  I think the reason I like this is because I secretly wish I could be on the show and help write the skits.  However, if my prior experience trying to make funny videos is any indicator, I am better off watching and not participating in these things.  Just ask Chad--he has suffered through many a home video where my friends/cousins/siblings and I would try to come up with something that was remotely funny.  (I have attached a Studio C video entitled "Facebook Philanthropy"--it made me laugh)

*I am grateful that I felt well enough to go on a family bike ride this week.  It felt wonderful to be active and outside!

*I am grateful for my sister and sisters-in-law who have helped me by cleaning our bathrooms.

*I am grateful for my immediate and extended family

*I am grateful for nice neighbors and friends

*I am grateful for the scriptures and lds.org

*I am grateful for my knowledge and testimony of the Plan of Salvation and our Savior's central role in making it all possible!

I look forward to be able to add "I am thankful for hair" and "I am thankful for a working immune system"among many others, in the coming months:)

Daily Bread

Time seems to be crawling by right now.  I can't believe it has been just over 2 1/2 months since this all started--it feels like an eternity.  I find myself, for the first time in my life, wishing that summer would fly by fast--only because the end of summer coincides with the last chemo treatment.  I have gained greater appreciation for the mental endurance and patience that those with chronic illness must have.  For them, there is no end date in sight and no "back to normal" to look forward to.  Their race is a marathon, whereas for the time being, I feel like my particular race is a series of sprints followed by a period of recovery.

The week after chemo seems to be the sprint portion of the race (hard physically, emotionally, and mentally) and I am not sure I am enduring that very well.  I need to be better at taking in one day at a time.  I can only describe it as full body nausea--sick all over.  Then I say to myself "only 4 more to go" and it provides no comfort because just one of the chemo treatments feels like one too many!!!  So then I do what I do when I know that I need help enduring.  I pray and then I read.  I believe that "good information brings inspiration" and I NEED inspiration.

I re-read a CES fireside given by Elder D. Todd Christofferson, entitled "Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread." He shares a couple stories illustrating the importance of having faith and taking things one day a time.  Here it is, in his own words:

" A book I read recently, titled Lone Survivor, recounts the tragic story of a four-man team of U.S. Navy SEALs on a covert mission in a remote sector of Afghanistan five and one-half years ago....

In his book, Luttrell recounts the extreme training and endurance required for one to qualify as a SEAL in the U.S. Navy. In Luttrell’s training group, for example, of the 164 men who began, only 32 managed to complete the course. They endured weeks of near-constant physical exertion, in and out of cold ocean water, swimming, paddling and carrying inflatable boats, running in sand, doing hundreds of push-ups a day, carrying logs through obstacle courses, and so forth. They were in a near-perpetual state of exhaustion.

I was impressed by something a senior officer said to the group as they began the final and most demanding phase of their training.

“First of all,” he said, “I do not want you to give in to the pressure of the moment. Whenever you’re hurting bad, just hang in there. Finish the day. Then, if you’re still feeling bad, think about it long and hard before you decide to quit. Second, take it one day at a time. One [phase] at a time.

“Don’t let your thoughts run away with you, don’t start planning to bail out because you’re worried about the future and how much you can take. Don’t look ahead to the pain. Just get through the day, and there’s a wonderful career ahead of you.” ¹

Well I HAVE been letting my thoughts run away with me--including, but not limited to,  future treatments.  Even fearful thoughts of recurrence of the cancer and if I could endure doing this again.  My thoughts have run away with worrying about family members and people I love having to face this same kind of trial and worse.  I HAVE been looking ahead to the pain and the sickness--then comes the familiar sinking feeling, even a desire to shrink and shun the fight!

Elder Christofferson then shared a touching story about his own mother and how taking things one day at a time helped her to endure in her time of trial:

In the 1950s my mother survived radical cancer surgery, but difficult as that was, the surgery was followed with dozens of painful radiation treatments in what would now be considered rather primitive medical conditions. She recalls that her mother taught her something during that time that has helped her ever since: “I was so sick and weak, and I said to her one day, ‘Oh, Mother, I can’t stand having 16 more of those treatments.’ She said, ‘Can you go today?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Well, honey, that’s all you have to do today.’ 

The hymn Lead Kindly Light expresses my feelings well "I loved to choose and see my path; but now, Lead thou me on!....Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene--one step enough for me."  Taking things one day at a time, one step at a time, relying on the Lord for our daily bread, will help my family and me develop the necessary faith and trust in God and His Son to help us endure this trial well--as well as other trials we will undoubtedly face.  So, do I shudder at the thoughts of another treatment? Yes...but I won't worry about it...at least for today.

Errand of Angels

The day of my first chemo was filled with many different emotions--I have to admit that one of those feelings was self pity.  I looked around the room and saw that I was the only person under the age of 70 receiving a chemo treatment.  The room was packed and they directed me to the only empty recliner in the front of the room.  The room is partitioned off by half walls so you can only really see the people on your row.   I really liked my nurse and she was very thorough in explaining everything to me.  She got me started on the infusion and Chad resumed his work on his laptop.  I opened up my book "Little Women" and stared at the page--not really feeling much like reading.

Moments later, I felt a touch on my arm and looked up from my book.  I found the sweetest, nicest woman kneeling beside my chair so she could be at eye-level with me.  She told me that she couldn't help but noticing how young I was...She said she had overheard the nurse talking to me and could tell that it was my first time coming in for treatments.  She asked me how many children I had, their ages...etc.  She asked me what book I was reading and I showed her that it was "Little Women."  Her face lit up and she told me it was her favorite book and that she had read it probably 15 times.  After talking for a while longer, she patted my arm and got up to leave.   I honestly imagined her walking away and disappearing into thin air and having me ask the nurses, "Where is the lady in the yellow shirt who was just talking to me?"  I imagined a puzzled look on the nurses faces as they replied "What lady?"  So, before she could leave I asked her "What is your name?"  She said, "Michaelene."  Not a common name, but one that I had heard before.  I replied "Michaelene Grassli?"  She said "Yes."  She was a member of the General Young Women's Presidency for the LDS Church and the Primary General President years ago, when I was in primary.  She sat back down and talked to Chad and I a little more as we made some more connections like my dad taught a child of hers in seminary etc.  We finally let her leave and I felt like even though she didn't disappear into thin air, she truly was an angel.  She even looks like an angel--she is radiant and beautiful!!!  I realized that she could have easily buried herself in a book or a magazine while she was waiting in that room, but she was on the Lord's errand that day as she listened to and followed a prompting from the Spirit to come and bring me some comfort and cheer.  In my mind, Sister Grassli has achieved rock star status, complete with first-name recognition bragging rights!

This experience and others that I have had these past two months made me think of the 2nd verse in the hymn As Sisters in Zion:

"The errand of angels is given to women; and this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim:  To do whatsoever is gentle and human, to cheer and to bless in humanity's name."

We have been cheered and blessed by so many through this experience--I can't even begin to name all. So many have helped us bear our burdens: from childcare and driving my kids to practices, scouts, etc. to cleaning our house, making dinners, making trips to the store, not to mention the cards and gifts we have received.

On this Mother's Day I think of my mom who has always been and continues to be an angel.   Her capacity to love and help her children and grandchildren amazes me.  She has always helped my sisters and me when we have a newborn baby---even if it means flying alone to different parts of the country to do so!  I know she would fly to the moon if one of her children or grandchildren needed her.  In recent weeks, she has helped me so much with the kids, and she has done my laundry.  The first week, when I was so sick, she came everyday after school and helped the kids with their homework and stayed until Chad got home.   Through her service, she has eased many of my burdens throughout my whole life and especially now!  Chad's mom has helped us so much as well--taking care of my children while I am at dr. appointments and cleaning our house!  She also cooks Sunday dinner for us.  She has been such a support and we know that she is always praying for us!  We thank heaven for our angel mothers who love us, serve us, and continue to nurture us and our children.

We are so grateful for all the angels, seen and unseen, who are helping us on this road!

Extreme Makeover

I have always loved "BEFORE" and "AFTER" pictures.  I imagine the "Before" photo shoot going something like this---the photographer says, "Okay--no make up, slump your shoulders, stick your belly out, and give us a sad face--PERFECT!"  In the "After" photo the person is all gussied up, standing up straight, sucking in, and all smiles.  We will call these before and after photos:

"Extreme Makeover: Breast Cancer Edition"

(to be fair, I am unintentionally slouching in BOTH photos)

                BEFORE                                                                                                 AFTER

         

I was traumatized when my hair started coming out on day 12--I was shedding more than usual, but thought that I wouldn't have to shave it until the next round of chemo.  Day 14 I didn't dare touch it because each time I did tons of hair would fall out!  I knew the time had come.  I felt melancholy all day thinking of the task of shaving my head.  Now I would not only feel like a cancer patient but look like one as well.  Some tears were shed (by me) and then my good husband encouraged me and reassured me that he would love me with or without hair--which is really only fair because I have loved him without hair for years!  Eden loves to pretend that she is a cosmetologist so I let her give me a real hair cut.  She had fun with that and enjoyed having the chance to cut some real hair.  Then Chad shaved it.  The kids were very concerned and kept asking "Mom, are you sad?"  I told them "Yes, and it's okay to be sad."  They reassured me by telling me "it will grow back" and "it actually doesn't look too bad".  We cut it all off outside and as soon as we finished it started to rain--I thought "Maybe the heavens are having a little empathy for me!"  Now that it is off I can deal with it.   I am looking at the bright side of not having to do my hair for a while.  Emerie was so funny--she looked at me and then at Chad and said proudly, "I can tell which one is Mom--she has earrings."  I asked her "What if I take my earrings off?"  To which she replied,"If you go in your closet to get clothes--it's you, and if you go into Dad's closet to get clothes-- it's Dad!"  Wow--so glad that she has a back up plan!

(editor's note:  After writing this post I looked up the word slouch to make sure I was accurately describing my posture.  slouch  [slouCH]: stand, move, or sit in a lazy, drooping way--PERFECT.  Happy also to learn that when pronouncing the word "slouch" the emphasis is on the CH.)

One Week Down

When I was pregnant with Carson, I taught 2nd grade at an elementary school.  I have vivid memories of being in the faculty room eating lunch and listening as each teacher recounted her own terrible childbirth experience.  I was horrified and started to imagine all the worst-case scenario experiences.  You hear these stories all the time while you are pregnant.  I think my all time favorite is when I was considering not getting an epidural with Eden, and trying to have a "natural" childbirth.  I discussed this with a friend who had previously experienced natural childbirth herself.  I asked her to share what her experience was NOT having an epidural.  After some thought, she said very matter of factly, "It wasn't tooo bad... It just felt like I was giving birth to a bowling ball that was on fire and had knives sticking out of it!"  In case you are wondering, I opted for the epidural.  It has been a similar thing with starting chemotherapy.  I have heard and read things that others have experienced and it has caused me some anxious moments.

Well, one week into the chemo, I think it is mostly what one would imagine it would be.  I felt okay the day after the first treatment, but the next day(I'll call it day 3-day1 being treatment day) the nausea and bone aches kicked in.  I am sure the anti-nausea meds helped me to not actually throw up but there was no relief (except for sleep) from the nausea until yesterday (day 7).  The closest thing I have experienced to this would be the flu.  I felt clammy, crampy, and crappy. (Perhaps in the future I will just refer to it as the 3 C's of chemo:)  I am surprised that I have already felt it affect my mouth--Day 5 I woke feeling as if I had burned my tongue, roof of my mouth, and inside of my cheeks with hot broth or hot chocolate.  It wasn't actually burning but felt rough and just like it does after I burn my tongue on hot soup.

Yesterday was a big improvement on things which was very welcome relief:  the evening before was probably the low point.  I was wondering if the symptoms would ever improve or if I would feel like that the whole time.   My nose had begin to run and it burned and I could smell a chemical smell and taste a chemical taste and it made me sick.  I cried and told Chad that I couldn't do this for 17 more weeks...  He has been so helpful and compassionate and I am so grateful for him!!!  We prayed for relief and we are so grateful that it came!!!  That night the symptoms began to alleviate and the by next morning the nausea had subsided.  The next morning Chad was reading his scriptures--He was reading about the Jaredite barges and how they were driven by the winds and the waves to the promised land:

 5 And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a ^afurious wind blow upon the face of the waters,^btowards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind.

 6 And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.

 7 And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being^atight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the^bark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters.

 8 And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were ^adriven forth before the wind.

 9 And they did ^asing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did ^bthank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord.

 10 And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither ^awhale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water.

 11 And thus they were driven forth, ^athree hundred and forty and four days upon the water.

 12 And they did ^aland upon the shore of the ^bpromised land. And when they had set their feet upon the shores of the promised land they bowed themselves down upon the face of the land, and did humble themselves before the Lord, and did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his ^ctender mercies over them.

That phrase "when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters" feels so applicable to our last 7 days.  We are grateful to be "back again on top of the waters" so to speak.  We are grateful for the many tender mercies we have felt from the Lord.  I am grateful that He heard our cries and also grateful that He promises us that we can have light continually, whether we are above the water or under the water, if we continue to pray, study His Word and listen to and follow the Prophet.