Daily Bread

Time seems to be crawling by right now.  I can't believe it has been just over 2 1/2 months since this all started--it feels like an eternity.  I find myself, for the first time in my life, wishing that summer would fly by fast--only because the end of summer coincides with the last chemo treatment.  I have gained greater appreciation for the mental endurance and patience that those with chronic illness must have.  For them, there is no end date in sight and no "back to normal" to look forward to.  Their race is a marathon, whereas for the time being, I feel like my particular race is a series of sprints followed by a period of recovery.

The week after chemo seems to be the sprint portion of the race (hard physically, emotionally, and mentally) and I am not sure I am enduring that very well.  I need to be better at taking in one day at a time.  I can only describe it as full body nausea--sick all over.  Then I say to myself "only 4 more to go" and it provides no comfort because just one of the chemo treatments feels like one too many!!!  So then I do what I do when I know that I need help enduring.  I pray and then I read.  I believe that "good information brings inspiration" and I NEED inspiration.

I re-read a CES fireside given by Elder D. Todd Christofferson, entitled "Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread." He shares a couple stories illustrating the importance of having faith and taking things one day a time.  Here it is, in his own words:

" A book I read recently, titled Lone Survivor, recounts the tragic story of a four-man team of U.S. Navy SEALs on a covert mission in a remote sector of Afghanistan five and one-half years ago....

In his book, Luttrell recounts the extreme training and endurance required for one to qualify as a SEAL in the U.S. Navy. In Luttrell’s training group, for example, of the 164 men who began, only 32 managed to complete the course. They endured weeks of near-constant physical exertion, in and out of cold ocean water, swimming, paddling and carrying inflatable boats, running in sand, doing hundreds of push-ups a day, carrying logs through obstacle courses, and so forth. They were in a near-perpetual state of exhaustion.

I was impressed by something a senior officer said to the group as they began the final and most demanding phase of their training.

“First of all,” he said, “I do not want you to give in to the pressure of the moment. Whenever you’re hurting bad, just hang in there. Finish the day. Then, if you’re still feeling bad, think about it long and hard before you decide to quit. Second, take it one day at a time. One [phase] at a time.

“Don’t let your thoughts run away with you, don’t start planning to bail out because you’re worried about the future and how much you can take. Don’t look ahead to the pain. Just get through the day, and there’s a wonderful career ahead of you.” ¹

Well I HAVE been letting my thoughts run away with me--including, but not limited to,  future treatments.  Even fearful thoughts of recurrence of the cancer and if I could endure doing this again.  My thoughts have run away with worrying about family members and people I love having to face this same kind of trial and worse.  I HAVE been looking ahead to the pain and the sickness--then comes the familiar sinking feeling, even a desire to shrink and shun the fight!

Elder Christofferson then shared a touching story about his own mother and how taking things one day at a time helped her to endure in her time of trial:

In the 1950s my mother survived radical cancer surgery, but difficult as that was, the surgery was followed with dozens of painful radiation treatments in what would now be considered rather primitive medical conditions. She recalls that her mother taught her something during that time that has helped her ever since: “I was so sick and weak, and I said to her one day, ‘Oh, Mother, I can’t stand having 16 more of those treatments.’ She said, ‘Can you go today?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Well, honey, that’s all you have to do today.’ 

The hymn Lead Kindly Light expresses my feelings well "I loved to choose and see my path; but now, Lead thou me on!....Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene--one step enough for me."  Taking things one day at a time, one step at a time, relying on the Lord for our daily bread, will help my family and me develop the necessary faith and trust in God and His Son to help us endure this trial well--as well as other trials we will undoubtedly face.  So, do I shudder at the thoughts of another treatment? Yes...but I won't worry about it...at least for today.

Errand of Angels

The day of my first chemo was filled with many different emotions--I have to admit that one of those feelings was self pity.  I looked around the room and saw that I was the only person under the age of 70 receiving a chemo treatment.  The room was packed and they directed me to the only empty recliner in the front of the room.  The room is partitioned off by half walls so you can only really see the people on your row.   I really liked my nurse and she was very thorough in explaining everything to me.  She got me started on the infusion and Chad resumed his work on his laptop.  I opened up my book "Little Women" and stared at the page--not really feeling much like reading.

Moments later, I felt a touch on my arm and looked up from my book.  I found the sweetest, nicest woman kneeling beside my chair so she could be at eye-level with me.  She told me that she couldn't help but noticing how young I was...She said she had overheard the nurse talking to me and could tell that it was my first time coming in for treatments.  She asked me how many children I had, their ages...etc.  She asked me what book I was reading and I showed her that it was "Little Women."  Her face lit up and she told me it was her favorite book and that she had read it probably 15 times.  After talking for a while longer, she patted my arm and got up to leave.   I honestly imagined her walking away and disappearing into thin air and having me ask the nurses, "Where is the lady in the yellow shirt who was just talking to me?"  I imagined a puzzled look on the nurses faces as they replied "What lady?"  So, before she could leave I asked her "What is your name?"  She said, "Michaelene."  Not a common name, but one that I had heard before.  I replied "Michaelene Grassli?"  She said "Yes."  She was a member of the General Young Women's Presidency for the LDS Church and the Primary General President years ago, when I was in primary.  She sat back down and talked to Chad and I a little more as we made some more connections like my dad taught a child of hers in seminary etc.  We finally let her leave and I felt like even though she didn't disappear into thin air, she truly was an angel.  She even looks like an angel--she is radiant and beautiful!!!  I realized that she could have easily buried herself in a book or a magazine while she was waiting in that room, but she was on the Lord's errand that day as she listened to and followed a prompting from the Spirit to come and bring me some comfort and cheer.  In my mind, Sister Grassli has achieved rock star status, complete with first-name recognition bragging rights!

This experience and others that I have had these past two months made me think of the 2nd verse in the hymn As Sisters in Zion:

"The errand of angels is given to women; and this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim:  To do whatsoever is gentle and human, to cheer and to bless in humanity's name."

We have been cheered and blessed by so many through this experience--I can't even begin to name all. So many have helped us bear our burdens: from childcare and driving my kids to practices, scouts, etc. to cleaning our house, making dinners, making trips to the store, not to mention the cards and gifts we have received.

On this Mother's Day I think of my mom who has always been and continues to be an angel.   Her capacity to love and help her children and grandchildren amazes me.  She has always helped my sisters and me when we have a newborn baby---even if it means flying alone to different parts of the country to do so!  I know she would fly to the moon if one of her children or grandchildren needed her.  In recent weeks, she has helped me so much with the kids, and she has done my laundry.  The first week, when I was so sick, she came everyday after school and helped the kids with their homework and stayed until Chad got home.   Through her service, she has eased many of my burdens throughout my whole life and especially now!  Chad's mom has helped us so much as well--taking care of my children while I am at dr. appointments and cleaning our house!  She also cooks Sunday dinner for us.  She has been such a support and we know that she is always praying for us!  We thank heaven for our angel mothers who love us, serve us, and continue to nurture us and our children.

We are so grateful for all the angels, seen and unseen, who are helping us on this road!

Extreme Makeover

I have always loved "BEFORE" and "AFTER" pictures.  I imagine the "Before" photo shoot going something like this---the photographer says, "Okay--no make up, slump your shoulders, stick your belly out, and give us a sad face--PERFECT!"  In the "After" photo the person is all gussied up, standing up straight, sucking in, and all smiles.  We will call these before and after photos:

"Extreme Makeover: Breast Cancer Edition"

(to be fair, I am unintentionally slouching in BOTH photos)

                BEFORE                                                                                                 AFTER

         

I was traumatized when my hair started coming out on day 12--I was shedding more than usual, but thought that I wouldn't have to shave it until the next round of chemo.  Day 14 I didn't dare touch it because each time I did tons of hair would fall out!  I knew the time had come.  I felt melancholy all day thinking of the task of shaving my head.  Now I would not only feel like a cancer patient but look like one as well.  Some tears were shed (by me) and then my good husband encouraged me and reassured me that he would love me with or without hair--which is really only fair because I have loved him without hair for years!  Eden loves to pretend that she is a cosmetologist so I let her give me a real hair cut.  She had fun with that and enjoyed having the chance to cut some real hair.  Then Chad shaved it.  The kids were very concerned and kept asking "Mom, are you sad?"  I told them "Yes, and it's okay to be sad."  They reassured me by telling me "it will grow back" and "it actually doesn't look too bad".  We cut it all off outside and as soon as we finished it started to rain--I thought "Maybe the heavens are having a little empathy for me!"  Now that it is off I can deal with it.   I am looking at the bright side of not having to do my hair for a while.  Emerie was so funny--she looked at me and then at Chad and said proudly, "I can tell which one is Mom--she has earrings."  I asked her "What if I take my earrings off?"  To which she replied,"If you go in your closet to get clothes--it's you, and if you go into Dad's closet to get clothes-- it's Dad!"  Wow--so glad that she has a back up plan!

(editor's note:  After writing this post I looked up the word slouch to make sure I was accurately describing my posture.  slouch  [slouCH]: stand, move, or sit in a lazy, drooping way--PERFECT.  Happy also to learn that when pronouncing the word "slouch" the emphasis is on the CH.)

One Week Down

When I was pregnant with Carson, I taught 2nd grade at an elementary school.  I have vivid memories of being in the faculty room eating lunch and listening as each teacher recounted her own terrible childbirth experience.  I was horrified and started to imagine all the worst-case scenario experiences.  You hear these stories all the time while you are pregnant.  I think my all time favorite is when I was considering not getting an epidural with Eden, and trying to have a "natural" childbirth.  I discussed this with a friend who had previously experienced natural childbirth herself.  I asked her to share what her experience was NOT having an epidural.  After some thought, she said very matter of factly, "It wasn't tooo bad... It just felt like I was giving birth to a bowling ball that was on fire and had knives sticking out of it!"  In case you are wondering, I opted for the epidural.  It has been a similar thing with starting chemotherapy.  I have heard and read things that others have experienced and it has caused me some anxious moments.

Well, one week into the chemo, I think it is mostly what one would imagine it would be.  I felt okay the day after the first treatment, but the next day(I'll call it day 3-day1 being treatment day) the nausea and bone aches kicked in.  I am sure the anti-nausea meds helped me to not actually throw up but there was no relief (except for sleep) from the nausea until yesterday (day 7).  The closest thing I have experienced to this would be the flu.  I felt clammy, crampy, and crappy. (Perhaps in the future I will just refer to it as the 3 C's of chemo:)  I am surprised that I have already felt it affect my mouth--Day 5 I woke feeling as if I had burned my tongue, roof of my mouth, and inside of my cheeks with hot broth or hot chocolate.  It wasn't actually burning but felt rough and just like it does after I burn my tongue on hot soup.

Yesterday was a big improvement on things which was very welcome relief:  the evening before was probably the low point.  I was wondering if the symptoms would ever improve or if I would feel like that the whole time.   My nose had begin to run and it burned and I could smell a chemical smell and taste a chemical taste and it made me sick.  I cried and told Chad that I couldn't do this for 17 more weeks...  He has been so helpful and compassionate and I am so grateful for him!!!  We prayed for relief and we are so grateful that it came!!!  That night the symptoms began to alleviate and the by next morning the nausea had subsided.  The next morning Chad was reading his scriptures--He was reading about the Jaredite barges and how they were driven by the winds and the waves to the promised land:

 5 And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a ^afurious wind blow upon the face of the waters,^btowards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind.

 6 And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.

 7 And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being^atight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the^bark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters.

 8 And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were ^adriven forth before the wind.

 9 And they did ^asing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did ^bthank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord.

 10 And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither ^awhale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water.

 11 And thus they were driven forth, ^athree hundred and forty and four days upon the water.

 12 And they did ^aland upon the shore of the ^bpromised land. And when they had set their feet upon the shores of the promised land they bowed themselves down upon the face of the land, and did humble themselves before the Lord, and did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his ^ctender mercies over them.

That phrase "when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters" feels so applicable to our last 7 days.  We are grateful to be "back again on top of the waters" so to speak.  We are grateful for the many tender mercies we have felt from the Lord.  I am grateful that He heard our cries and also grateful that He promises us that we can have light continually, whether we are above the water or under the water, if we continue to pray, study His Word and listen to and follow the Prophet.