Sunday, March 10, 2013: Game Changer
For the past four weeks I have been playing a game. It hasn’t been a bad game; it is
actually a good game and I would recommend it to people. It’s called the “What if I have cancer
game?” This game is a little scary
but not painful at all. It
actually clarifies your vision and eternal perspective, strengthens your family
relationships, increases your love for others, and helps you recognize your
total dependence upon God, and helps you strengthen your faith in Jesus
Christ.
The reason I started playing this game my sister showed me
an obituary of a sweet lady who died of breast cancer at the age of 40. We both knew this woman and my sister
knew her family well; we felt sadness as she left 5 children and her husband
behind. I thought, “Wow, that is
young to have breast cancer and I haven’t done a self exam in a long time---I
had better do that.” Well I did
and found a definite lump the size of a peanut m&m. We decided to watch it for a week and
see if it would go away. It didn’t
go away so we got set up with a mammogram and diagnostic ultra sound in a
couple of weeks.
I wasn’t stressed out about this or anything but it did get
me thinking “What if I really had cancer?” Thus the game began.
Before this game began, I had been really trying to come up with a
parenting plan… I felt that though I have always put much of my energy into
trying to be a good mother, my efforts were not producing good fruits. I felt pressure to teach my children to
be honest, respectful, compassionate and loving, hard working, and
unselfish. Thus elaborate plans and
systems began to form in my mind; afterall, Heavenly Father was depending on me
to do this job and do it right! At
the commencement of this game, all those plans and ideas melted. Did Heavenly Father really need
me? If I had cancer, my already
inadequate efforts would certainly become worse with decreased health and
ability to care for these four kids.
Certainly, the five children of the young mother that passed away needed
her, yet Heavenly Father’s will was that she return home to Him. This turned into a bit of a What About
Bob moment (i.e. Bob: There are two kinds of people in this
world those who like Neil Diamond and those who don’t. My ex-wife loved him. Dr. Marvin: You mean to tell me that you are a paranoid multiphobic personality, but she didn’t leave you?
You left her because she likes Neil Diamond?) OW…OW…. My
moment was kind of like “You mean I have been putting all of my efforts,
reading books, making plans, spending most of my time caring and nurturing
these children and I am disposable?
I can at best be taken out of commission for a while as a mother and at
worst be taken to the other side???
So maybe, they don’t really need me as much as I think they do? Though I have always looked at
motherhood as a joint effort with God; I realized more than ever that it is His
work and His glory---to help these children achieve their full potential and
return to live with Him. He is at
the helm, not me. I can be a
useful instrument in his hands as a mother, but He is not depending on me. I am depending on Him!!! My children are depending on Him—and He
will orchestrate their education
and mine in mortality in a way that is best for us. Also, I
realized more fully that where I fall short as a parent, the Savior's grace is sufficient for them and me.
With this new found perspective I felt my strength increase
as I tried to rely more on the Lord for our “daily bread” and needs. I felt more able to meet my children’s
needs as I tried to “get out of the way” and let the Spirit guide more. This game also involved some learning
of new things and refreshing of things I already knew. A couple weeks before discovering the
lump, I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting. The bishopric member allowed me to choose my own topic and
uncharacteristically of me, I knew just what I should speak on. Normally, the process of choosing a
topic would have caused some stewing and decision making on my part. I knew at this time though that I
wanted to speak on the Atonement and how it helps us bear the burdens of
mortality. Jeffrey R. Holland’s
talk “Broken Things to Mend” and a BYU devotional by Elder Bednar “The Strengthening
and Enabling Power of the Atonement” along with the scriptures gave me greater
insight to our relationship with the Savior. Quite fitting now that I look back on it. Through a combination of studying the
new curriculum for the young women class I teach each week and preparing for
this talk, I came to learn better than ever before the promises that God and
Jesus Christ make to those who have faith in them and who “become yoked with
the Savior of the World.” Elder Bednar in a BYU devotional in 2001 said this:
"I suspect that many Church members are much more familiar with the nature of the redeeming and cleansing power of the Atonement than they are with the strengthening and enabling power."
Through recent study I have become more familiar with this strengthening and enabling power of the Atonement. I have felt the Lord teaching me and preparing me for this trial and
that gives me comfort—to know that He is aware of me and my family. The Saturday before we found out
the results of my biopsy, I had the opportunity to listen to a talk by Meg Johnson
–a young women who had been paralyzed in a fall. I learned so much and felt the spirit so strong.
After her talk, I was a little worried as things she talked
about hit a little too close to home and seemed to touch my spirit more than
usual. With my biopsy being in 3
days, I started to bargain with the Lord a little. It goes something like this, “Wow, thank you Heavenly Father
for this little “cancer-scare”. I
have learned so much in these three weeks and my perspective has really
improved. I feel like I understand
things that I didn’t before and I have learned some important lessons. My faith in Thee and Thy Son has
certainly increased---can we PLEASE, PLEASE, PRETTY-PLEASE call it good? Now,
don’t get me wrong. I love
learning and look forward for opportunities to do so---in the form of a class, relaxed
with a good book in a comfortable easy chair. I am sure there are great books on cancer that I could read
and learn many lessons vicariously through others’ amazing journeys and
stories.” But alas, if this
were the case I guess we wouldn’t have really needed to come to earth to
experience things in the flesh. We
could have been taught in the premortal life from our loving Father in comfort
and safety and never had the experiences and trials of mortality to develop
character, faith, hope, and charity.
On Wednesday March 6--Chad was coming home from the store when he received the call from the radiologist indicating that the tumor was malignant--cancer. When he walked in the door, his face said it all and I didn't have to even ask him.
Our bishop said it best as he visited with Chad and I; he said "This is a game changer." No small thing. For sure life altering and even life threatening. The game has changed to "Oh my heck I really have cancer." It was hard to tell our families and let the reality of our situation sink in. We called our parents and I sent this e-mail to my siblings:
Thanks so much for your love and
concern and fasting this past week. Turns out we will be needing more.
The lab called Chad and gave him the results of the biopsy...it is
cancer. Bennett is watching me type this and wants to add "It's
going to be okay though." I am amazed at the faith of these 4 little
ones and hope that Chad and I can be as trusting through this all. ...
Initial results from the MRI indicate
that there was no other suspicious finding except for the initial tumor. We have already had many tender mercies in
this process. Thank you for all your love and concern.
As I feared, the Lord was preparing
me, but it also gives me comfort that He is aware of me and of my family.
I feel so grateful to have you all as my family. I will leave you
with a quote from Pres. Hinckley that I shared from a talk I gave recently in
sacrament meeting:
"We know not what lies ahead of
us. We live in a world of uncertainty . For some, there will be
great accomplishment. For others, disappointment. For some, much of
rejoicing and gladness, good health and gracious living. For others,
perhaps sickness and a measure of sorrow. We do not know. But one
thing we do know. Like the Polar Star in the heavens, regardless of what
the future holds, there stands the Redeemer of the world, the Son of God,
certain and sure as the anchor of our immortal lives. He is the rock of
our salvation, our strength, our comfort, the very focus of our faith. In
sunshine and in shadow we look to Him, and He is there to assure and smile upon
us."
Thank you for all your love and
concern. I love you all so much!
Jennifer
