Game Changer

Sunday, March 10, 2013:  Game Changer

For the past four weeks I have been playing a game.  It hasn’t been a bad game; it is actually a good game and I would recommend it to people.  It’s called the “What if I have cancer game?”  This game is a little scary but not painful at all.  It actually clarifies your vision and eternal perspective, strengthens your family relationships, increases your love for others, and helps you recognize your total dependence upon God, and helps you strengthen your faith in Jesus Christ. 

The reason I started playing this game my sister showed me an obituary of a sweet lady who died of breast cancer at the age of 40.  We both knew this woman and my sister knew her family well; we felt sadness as she left 5 children and her husband behind.  I thought, “Wow, that is young to have breast cancer and I haven’t done a self exam in a long time---I had better do that.”  Well I did and found a definite lump the size of a peanut m&m.  We decided to watch it for a week and see if it would go away.  It didn’t go away so we got set up with a mammogram and diagnostic ultra sound in a couple of weeks. 

I wasn’t stressed out about this or anything but it did get me thinking “What if I really had cancer?”  Thus the game began.  Before this game began, I had been really trying to come up with a parenting plan… I felt that though I have always put much of my energy into trying to be a good mother, my efforts were not producing good fruits.  I felt pressure to teach my children to be honest, respectful, compassionate and loving, hard working, and unselfish.  Thus elaborate plans and systems began to form in my mind; afterall, Heavenly Father was depending on me to do this job and do it right!  At the commencement of this game, all those plans and ideas melted.  Did Heavenly Father really need me?  If I had cancer, my already inadequate efforts would certainly become worse with decreased health and ability to care for these four kids.  Certainly, the five children of the young mother that passed away needed her, yet Heavenly Father’s will was that she return home to Him.  This turned into a bit of a What About Bob moment (i.e.  Bob:  There are two kinds of people in this world those who like Neil Diamond and those who don’t.  My ex-wife loved him.  Dr. Marvin:  You mean to tell me that you are a  paranoid multiphobic personality, but she didn’t leave you? You left her because she likes Neil Diamond?)  OW…OW….  My moment was kind of like “You mean I have been putting all of my efforts, reading books, making plans, spending most of my time caring and nurturing these children and I am disposable?  I can at best be taken out of commission for a while as a mother and at worst be taken to the other side???  So maybe, they don’t really need me as much as I think they do?  Though I have always looked at motherhood as a joint effort with God; I realized more than ever that it is His work and His glory---to help these children achieve their full potential and return to live with Him.  He is at the helm, not me.  I can be a useful instrument in his hands as a mother, but He is not depending on me.  I am depending on Him!!!  My children are depending on Him—and He will orchestrate their education  and mine in mortality in a way that is best for us.  Also, I realized more fully that where I fall short as a parent, the Savior's grace is sufficient for them and me. 

With this new found perspective I felt my strength increase as I tried to rely more on the Lord for our “daily bread” and needs.  I felt more able to meet my children’s needs as I tried to “get out of the way” and let the Spirit guide more.  This game also involved some learning of new things and refreshing of things I already knew.  A couple weeks before discovering the lump, I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting.  The bishopric member allowed me to choose my own topic and uncharacteristically of me, I knew just what I should speak on.  Normally, the process of choosing a topic would have caused some stewing and decision making on my part.  I knew at this time though that I wanted to speak on the Atonement and how it helps us bear the burdens of mortality.  Jeffrey R. Holland’s talk “Broken Things to Mend” and a BYU devotional by Elder Bednar “The Strengthening and Enabling Power of the Atonement” along with the scriptures gave me greater insight to our relationship with the Savior.  Quite fitting now that I look back on it.  Through a combination of studying the new curriculum for the young women class I teach each week and preparing for this talk, I came to learn better than ever before the promises that God and Jesus Christ make to those who have faith in them and who “become yoked with the Savior of the World.”  Elder Bednar in a BYU devotional in 2001 said this:

"I suspect that many Church members are much more familiar with the nature of the redeeming and cleansing power of the Atonement than they are with the strengthening and enabling power."

Through recent study I have become more familiar with this strengthening and enabling power of the Atonement.  I have felt the Lord teaching me and preparing me for this trial and that gives me comfort—to know that He is aware of me and my family.   The Saturday before we found out the results of my biopsy, I had the opportunity to listen to a talk by Meg Johnson –a young women who had been paralyzed in a fall.  I learned so much and felt the spirit so strong.

After her talk, I was a little worried as things she talked about hit a little too close to home and seemed to touch my spirit more than usual.  With my biopsy being in 3 days, I started to bargain with the Lord a little.  It goes something like this, “Wow, thank you Heavenly Father for this little “cancer-scare”.  I have learned so much in these three weeks and my perspective has really improved.  I feel like I understand things that I didn’t before and I have learned some important lessons.  My faith in Thee and Thy Son has certainly increased---can we PLEASE, PLEASE, PRETTY-PLEASE call it good? Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love learning and look forward for opportunities to do so---in the form of a class, relaxed with a good book in a comfortable easy chair.  I am sure there are great books on cancer that I could read and learn many lessons vicariously through others’ amazing journeys and stories.”   But alas, if this were the case I guess we wouldn’t have really needed to come to earth to experience things in the flesh.  We could have been taught in the premortal life from our loving Father in comfort and safety and never had the experiences and trials of mortality to develop character, faith, hope, and charity.

On Wednesday March 6--Chad was coming home from the store when he received the call from the radiologist indicating that the tumor was malignant--cancer.  When he walked in the door, his face said it all and I didn't have to even ask him.

Our bishop said it best as he visited with Chad and I; he said "This is a game changer."  No small thing.   For sure life altering and even life threatening.  The game has changed to "Oh my heck I really have cancer."  It was hard to tell our families and let the reality of our situation sink in.  We called our parents and I sent this e-mail to my siblings:

Thanks so much for your love and concern and fasting this past week.  Turns out we will be needing more.  The lab called Chad and gave him the results of the biopsy...it is cancer.  Bennett is watching me type this and wants to add "It's going to be okay though."  I am amazed at the faith of these 4 little ones and hope that Chad and I can be as trusting through this all. ... 

Initial results from the MRI indicate that there was no other suspicious finding except for the initial tumor.  We have already had many tender mercies in this process.  Thank you for all your love and concern.

As I feared, the Lord was preparing me, but it also gives me comfort that He is aware of me and of my family.  I feel so grateful to have you all as my family.  I will leave you with a quote from Pres. Hinckley that I shared from a talk I gave recently in sacrament meeting:

"We know not what lies ahead of us.  We live in a world of uncertainty .  For some, there will be great accomplishment.  For others, disappointment.  For some, much of rejoicing and gladness, good health and gracious living.  For others, perhaps sickness and a measure of sorrow.  We do not know.  But one thing we do know.  Like the Polar Star in the heavens, regardless of what the future holds, there stands the Redeemer of the world, the Son of God, certain and sure as the anchor of our immortal lives.  He is the rock of our salvation, our strength, our comfort, the very focus of our faith.  In sunshine and in shadow we look to Him, and He is there to assure and smile upon us."

Thank you for all your love and concern. I love you all so much!

Jennifer