Harsh Reality

Let's face it--the whole breast cancer journey seems a bit harsh.  Within days of finding out that I had breast cancer, I had calls from complete strangers and nice letters from complete strangers saying that they had been through breast cancer and would love to help me out in any way with advice or going to doctor appointments or whatever.  I honestly felt so touched, but at that point I felt like saying "Thank you so much for your acceptance and kindness to me, but I would rather not be a member of this club, the breast cancer club."  I believe that the "breast cancer gang" is a more fitting description.  Gangs have brutal initiations (surgery, chemo, head shaving), gang colors (pink), and gang signs (pink ribbon).  Gangs also have your back--as evidenced by the kindness of the members who have already been initiated into the gang.   At times as I have faced the reality of this all, the only thought that comes to my mind is "This whole process seems so harsh!"

The day before my surgery as some of these harsh realities were really settling in, I decided that I wanted to buy a picture of the Savior to hang in our bedroom.  I found one that I loved and then I noticed that this particular picture the artist had entitled his work "Gentle Healer".  It was perfect!  It was a good reminder that although the world and things we experience here are, at times,  harsh---the Savior is not.  He is gentle, loving, and kind.

With a triple negative breast cancer, the doctors have little ammo besides chemotherapy to kill and mop up cancer cells.  Because of this, they do very aggressive and harsh treatments knowing that chemo is all they have.  For me, this means having what they call A/C (adremyocin/cytoxin) also known as the Red Devil because of it's red color.  That little nickname for those drugs did not give me warm fuzzies.  I was having a hard time stomaching red toxins slowly drip from my IV into the port that is in my chest wall.  I am also very aware of the nasty short term side effects and potential long term side effects of these life saving drugs.  The following story helped me understand how my prayers to avoid chemotherapy could be changed to prayers for help, increased strength, and even bodily adaptation and increased tolerance to the chemotherapy drugs.  (I have underlined and bolded the sentiments that seem especially applicable to me)

In the April 2012 Ensign, there is an article entitled "The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality", by Elder David Bednar.  In it he teaches this:

Examples of the enabling power are not found only in the scriptures. Daniel W. Jones was born in 1830 in Missouri, and he joined the Church in California in 1851. In 1856 he participated in the rescue of handcart companies that were stranded in Wyoming by severe snowstorms. After the rescue party had found the suffering Saints, provided what immediate comfort they could, and made arrangements for the sick and the feeble to be transported to Salt Lake City, Daniel and several other young men volunteered to remain with and safeguard the company’s possessions. The food and supplies left with Daniel and his colleagues were meager and rapidly expended. The following quote from Daniel Jones’s personal journal describes the events that followed.

“Game soon became so scarce that we could kill nothing. We ate all the poor meat; one would get hungry eating it. Finally that was all gone, nothing now but hides were left. We made a trial of them. A lot was cooked and eaten without any seasoning and it made the whole company sick. …

“Things looked dark, for nothing remained but the poor raw hides taken from starved cattle. We asked the Lord to direct us what to do. The brethren did not murmur, but felt to trust in God. … Finally I was impressed how to fix the stuff and gave the company advice, telling them how to cook it; for them to scorch and scrape the hair off; this had a tendency to kill and purify the bad taste that scalding gave it. After scraping, boil one hour in plenty of water, throwing the water away which had extracted all the glue, then wash and scrape the hide thoroughly, washing in cold water, then boil to a jelly and let it get cold, and then eat with a little sugar sprinkled on it. This was considerable trouble, but we had little else to do and it was better than starving.

“We asked the Lord to bless our stomachs and adapt them to this food. … On eating now all seemed to relish the feast. We were three days without eating before this second attempt was made. We enjoyed this sumptuous fare for about six weeks.”³

In the article, Elder Bednar comments on the story saying:

"In those circumstances I probably would have prayed for something else to eat: “Heavenly Father, please send me a quail or a buffalo.” It likely would not have occurred to me to pray that my stomach would be strengthened and adapted to the food we had. What did Daniel W. Jones know? He knew about the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He did not pray that his circumstances would be changed. He prayed that he would be strengthened to deal with his circumstances. Just as Alma and his people, Amulek, and Nephi were strengthened, Daniel W. Jones had the spiritual insight to know what to ask for in that prayer.

The enabling power of the Atonement of Christ strengthens us to do things we could never do on our own. Sometimes I wonder if in our latter-day world of ease—in our world of microwave ovens and cell phones and air-conditioned cars and comfortable homes—we ever learn to acknowledge our daily dependence upon the enabling power of the Atonement."  ("The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality", by Elder David Bednar)

We are trying not to murmur but trust in God!  Chad and I are praying to be strengthened to deal with the circumstances we are in and praying that my body will adapt to this medicine and be able to recover from its effects!